Crankypants

I'm so freaking irritated right now.

All I want to do is sleep.  I want to be out like a light and it's ten pm.  That's pretty normal considering I have to get up at five am.

This house is anything but normal.

Between my psychotic mother and my toddler grandmother, if I get to bed before midnight anymore it's a miracle.

I literally want to cry right now.  I'm so freaking exhausted.  But no, the kitchen light is on even though I turned it off, and it's nine million degrees in my room, and in approximately five minutes my grandma is going to start singing that god damn praise ye the lord shit.

Oh yay. Now my mother's in here. So I'm not going to fall asleep until she goes home at 11, 1130, when fucking ever.

This shit blows.

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Record the Good Days Too

I have a habit of only taking into account the bad and not cherishing the good when I'm in the middle of an episode.  Today, however, was a really good day.  I act like I have readers but honestly, if you've been reading the past few days I've been a depressed, lunatic, disaster basket case.  I decided last night that I wasn't going to give myself idle time to think myself into an oblivion this weekend.  I put myself on the schedule for work Sunday to help fill the weekend void, but that still left today.

I got up this morning and asked my mom if we could get pedicures.  Of course she said yes!! I haven't gotten a pedicure since last April right after I had gotten my coaching at work.  My feet definitely looked like it too.  Before we left, I texted Kim and asked if we could get dinner tonight, and she also said yes.  So obviously I spent three hours doing my hair and makeup.  I don't know what it is about sitting in the beauty room with my cat, my coffee, and my computer, but it's so relaxing.  I don't have my anxiety screaming at me, I don't have the eating disorder getting into my business, it's just me and my makeup.  The biggest problem I have in the beauty room is which foundation I'm going to wear and why more beauty vloggers haven't uploaded because I ran out of new videos to watch.

Our dinner was great too.  We got an appetizer (per my request) and I got a meal I wanted because it sounded good.  I got a salad instead of fries because I wanted it.  I skipped dessert because I wanted to.  I'm not a slave to the eating disorder today...well for the most part.  I only ate a pretzel earlier today and then dinner so it's not like I had the three meals and 1-2 snacks that a recovering ED patient should probably be consuming, but I also listened to my hunger and fullness signals and that's important too.

I weighed myself this morning. 193.  It's still not where I want to be, but the eating disorder is pretty quiet over it because I've been hovering around 195 for a while.  So two pounds is two pounds.

Look how gorgeous we are.

I literally love how my collarbones look.  I miss my cheekbone definition though.  It's still there some, but I feel like it used to be more prominent.

My mother keeps commenting on my natural highlights in my hair. I don't know what filter Kim used but they really pop in this photo.

I just took my nighttime crazy pills.  Hopefully I can talk myself into taking a shower so I can go to work tomorrow without feeling like a scrub.  Sometimes showers are really hard though.

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