Today I am 122 days in recovery with maybe twelve slips. I quit counting after five but I'm going to make the official count 12. That's an average of one purge every 10 days for the past four months whereas before I was in the binge purge hell cycle that was hours turning into days turning into weeks where I would binge and purge every day.
To be completely honest, part of what has helped lessen the purging was being put on wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that can cause seizures in patients with eating disorders. For the longest time I was terrified to purge at the risk of having a seizure. Unfortunately the fear has faded some and four of these slips happened while I was on the Wellbutrin, but I digress.
I think too much. I spend probably 80% of my waking hours thinking. While I was driving home this evening I was thinking about how blessed I am. The Lord has been so good to me and I tend to get lost in the pity hole where everything feels terrible and nobody wants me and I think myself into an unnecessary panic attack. I have started replacing some of the thinking with talking, but even then all the conversations are about how terrible I feel and how I don't understand how people stand me. I have been challenged to put an end to the negative self-talk and to change the negative thoughts when they occur. I have decided to start this by listing ten things I am grateful for each day. I won't blog all of them, but I just bought a brand new journal that will be my daily gratitude journal. Even if I'm having the worst day of my life, there is no excuse for me not to take ten minutes out of my day to write down ten things I am grateful for. I'm honestly excited to print out this entry and take it to my therapist because she will love this (she tends to love my good ideas as much as she hates my bad ideas).
Today, I am grateful for...
1) My loving church family
I have not been attending church for very long. I believe I went to my first church service this year in August. However, the welcoming I felt from day one surpassed every ounce of love I felt from my home church that I attended for 20 years. My Pastor genuinely just loves people for being people. He embodies everything I could ever want or need in a Pastor. The only thing he wants to do is love you and pray for you and that is exactly what he does. I don't have many friends in the church yet because I don't go very often, but the love I experience in those that I do know is such a strong Christian love. I even have a church best friend (even though she's my mom's age). I am so grateful for the genuine Christian love that my church family has shown a complete stranger.
2) Accessibility to treatment
I denied going to therapy for the longest time. I didn't think I wanted it. However, being a part of the eating disorder community for as long as I have been, it should be obvious to me that I need to be grateful for the fact that I have a treatment team. Help is honestly difficult to come by. Especially with the healthcare system in America, getting mental help is hard and it is expensive. I am grateful that I found a center with a sliding scale that is still willing to see me even when I can't meet my payment that week.
3) My therapist
There was a time where I thought my therapist wasn't a good fit. I have almost quit therapy eighty-five thousand times because the brutally honest truth is she makes me think about uncomfortable things and my feelings get hurt. Well that's her job. She has told me probably a thousand times that if it isn't uncomfortable then it isn't working. I understand this on a cognitive level, but emotionally it can be very difficult to sit with. I'm grateful to have found a therapist on the first try that I clicked well with and am as comfortable with as I am.
4) Mary
Shout out to my favorite person. Nobody can deny the fact that she is my best friend. I was blessed when God brought her into my life. She is such a strong person and I don't know if she knows it. She can handle my intense feelings and provides me with much-needed stability while maintaining healthy boundaries. Having BPD makes it hard to maintain friendships and I am so blessed to have such a strong and loving person in my life. She never rejects my phone calls when I'm having a "crisis" and she gives me the tough love I need to hear regardless of whether it is going to hurt my feelings or not because she knows I need to hear it. She's an empty couch when I need one and she's my release when dealing with my grandma just becomes too much. She's the middleman between me and finally owning a dog. We have done so many things together and I am blessed to have the memories with her that I have. I've never had a closer friend in my whole life and I am so grateful for her friendship.
5) My family
Even though I have my gripes about them, whenever I need a helping hand someone is always there. When I overdraw my bank account, someone always digs me out of trouble. When I'm hungry and need food there are always groceries in the house. They have a very poor understanding of my mental state, and while that is hurtful, they can't really help that they don't understand. They have always provided me with more than I have ever needed and I am grateful that I have people to count on when things get tough.
6) My sister
I could throw this together with my family, but the bond between my sister and I is stronger than the rest of my family. She is my twin, she is my best friend, she is the one who understands me on an emotional level. Having someone to understand why you're feeling the way you are is such a blessing. Having depression and an Eating Disorder is such a lonely feeling and knowing that I have at least one person who has been there and has gotten through it gives me so much hope for my future. Even when I can't imagine having a life without my eating disorder, Tricia is living proof that the hard days don't last forever. She has been through so much in her life and she has come out of everything so much stronger than I think she knows. I won't go into much detail here because I don't know how much of her personal life she wants to be put out there, but she is one of the strongest women I know. She gives me hope. I am so grateful to have my twin to call my best friend.
7) My car
Clarisse is the only grown-up decision I have ever made, but boy does that little beetle bug treat me well. I needed out today. I just needed out to process my emotions and to give some things a good long thought and she was there for me to have my alone time. Material possessions are far from everything, but they are also something we should be grateful for because they can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. I worked hard for my car and I am grateful for the ability to pay for her and to drive her whenever I want.
8) My coworkers
I genuinely feel bad for people who don't like the ones they work with. While my job is my job at the end of the day, I am blessed beyond measure to love my coworkers. My walmart family is absolutely a second family. They've seen my bad days, they've seen my good days, they have seen me smile, and they have seen me cry and they always have my back. A coworker gave me the phone number to my psychiatrist. I can't even imagine where I would be had we not had that conversation that day. My manager has talked me through some breakdowns before they turned ugly and will always drop everything if I need to talk. I am so grateful that I am never far from a listening ear when I need one for 40 hours a week.
9) My cat
I have no idea what I would do without Snowball in my life. She gives me a reason to stay alive. I have said before that I can't kill myself because Snowball wouldn't know what she did wrong. If you don't have a pet that might sound silly, but truthfully she has kept me alive sometimes. She knows when I'm sad, she knows when I'm sick, and she is the best cat I've ever had. She always cuddles with my Grandma and honestly I think my grandma needs her more than anything. She's asleep on her as I type this. Not only am I grateful to have my cat, but I am grateful that my grandma has her too.
10) My brain medication
I had a meltdown this morning because I couldn't find a little orange bottle. This little orange bottle is filled with pills that help my brain balance out chemicals that it can't do on it's own yet. I also have little cards from my psychiatrist that have seven days worth of pills that settle my moods and quell some of my background anxiety. I have another little orange bottle for when I'm having a meltdown out of the blue that settles my heart rate and helps me complete the tasks at hand. Without each of these medications I wouldn't be on the path I am today of wellness. I have struggled with being on medication to make me happy, but honestly there is nothing wrong with relying on a medication to live my best life. Just because it is for mental health over physical health doesn't make it any different. It is medicine that I need to live my best life and to thrive as a human being instead of just survive, which was all I was doing before I was put on medication. I'm grateful to have an aid in my journey to wellness.
Part of me thought thinking of ten things to be truly grateful for today would be difficult. Not because I'm not grateful, but because I take a lot of things for granted. I take my pills for granted every morning and night because I hate taking them. One of them makes me sick and another one could give me a seizure. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have to have medication. I take my cat for granted when she's getting on my nerves or keeps me awake at night. Lo and behold, though, the second she escapes outside I worry sick until she comes home. I take my car for granted when I just hop in her and go to work or the store, but there was a time less than a year ago where my options were wait until someone else's car was available, or walk.
I don't think gratitude will fix everything. I am still mentally ill after writing this post. However, taking the time to really be grateful for the things in my life takes my mind off of my depression and anxiety. It takes my mind off of being upset that my grandma's brain is mush. It took my mind off of the fact that I don't want to take a shower. Even though this took just a little while, I already feel better than I did before I wrote this out.
Here's to ending 2017 on a stronger note than I started it on.
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To be completely honest, part of what has helped lessen the purging was being put on wellbutrin. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that can cause seizures in patients with eating disorders. For the longest time I was terrified to purge at the risk of having a seizure. Unfortunately the fear has faded some and four of these slips happened while I was on the Wellbutrin, but I digress.
I think too much. I spend probably 80% of my waking hours thinking. While I was driving home this evening I was thinking about how blessed I am. The Lord has been so good to me and I tend to get lost in the pity hole where everything feels terrible and nobody wants me and I think myself into an unnecessary panic attack. I have started replacing some of the thinking with talking, but even then all the conversations are about how terrible I feel and how I don't understand how people stand me. I have been challenged to put an end to the negative self-talk and to change the negative thoughts when they occur. I have decided to start this by listing ten things I am grateful for each day. I won't blog all of them, but I just bought a brand new journal that will be my daily gratitude journal. Even if I'm having the worst day of my life, there is no excuse for me not to take ten minutes out of my day to write down ten things I am grateful for. I'm honestly excited to print out this entry and take it to my therapist because she will love this (she tends to love my good ideas as much as she hates my bad ideas).
Today, I am grateful for...
1) My loving church family
I have not been attending church for very long. I believe I went to my first church service this year in August. However, the welcoming I felt from day one surpassed every ounce of love I felt from my home church that I attended for 20 years. My Pastor genuinely just loves people for being people. He embodies everything I could ever want or need in a Pastor. The only thing he wants to do is love you and pray for you and that is exactly what he does. I don't have many friends in the church yet because I don't go very often, but the love I experience in those that I do know is such a strong Christian love. I even have a church best friend (even though she's my mom's age). I am so grateful for the genuine Christian love that my church family has shown a complete stranger.
2) Accessibility to treatment
I denied going to therapy for the longest time. I didn't think I wanted it. However, being a part of the eating disorder community for as long as I have been, it should be obvious to me that I need to be grateful for the fact that I have a treatment team. Help is honestly difficult to come by. Especially with the healthcare system in America, getting mental help is hard and it is expensive. I am grateful that I found a center with a sliding scale that is still willing to see me even when I can't meet my payment that week.
3) My therapist
There was a time where I thought my therapist wasn't a good fit. I have almost quit therapy eighty-five thousand times because the brutally honest truth is she makes me think about uncomfortable things and my feelings get hurt. Well that's her job. She has told me probably a thousand times that if it isn't uncomfortable then it isn't working. I understand this on a cognitive level, but emotionally it can be very difficult to sit with. I'm grateful to have found a therapist on the first try that I clicked well with and am as comfortable with as I am.
4) Mary
Shout out to my favorite person. Nobody can deny the fact that she is my best friend. I was blessed when God brought her into my life. She is such a strong person and I don't know if she knows it. She can handle my intense feelings and provides me with much-needed stability while maintaining healthy boundaries. Having BPD makes it hard to maintain friendships and I am so blessed to have such a strong and loving person in my life. She never rejects my phone calls when I'm having a "crisis" and she gives me the tough love I need to hear regardless of whether it is going to hurt my feelings or not because she knows I need to hear it. She's an empty couch when I need one and she's my release when dealing with my grandma just becomes too much. She's the middleman between me and finally owning a dog. We have done so many things together and I am blessed to have the memories with her that I have. I've never had a closer friend in my whole life and I am so grateful for her friendship.
5) My family
Even though I have my gripes about them, whenever I need a helping hand someone is always there. When I overdraw my bank account, someone always digs me out of trouble. When I'm hungry and need food there are always groceries in the house. They have a very poor understanding of my mental state, and while that is hurtful, they can't really help that they don't understand. They have always provided me with more than I have ever needed and I am grateful that I have people to count on when things get tough.
6) My sister
I could throw this together with my family, but the bond between my sister and I is stronger than the rest of my family. She is my twin, she is my best friend, she is the one who understands me on an emotional level. Having someone to understand why you're feeling the way you are is such a blessing. Having depression and an Eating Disorder is such a lonely feeling and knowing that I have at least one person who has been there and has gotten through it gives me so much hope for my future. Even when I can't imagine having a life without my eating disorder, Tricia is living proof that the hard days don't last forever. She has been through so much in her life and she has come out of everything so much stronger than I think she knows. I won't go into much detail here because I don't know how much of her personal life she wants to be put out there, but she is one of the strongest women I know. She gives me hope. I am so grateful to have my twin to call my best friend.
7) My car
Clarisse is the only grown-up decision I have ever made, but boy does that little beetle bug treat me well. I needed out today. I just needed out to process my emotions and to give some things a good long thought and she was there for me to have my alone time. Material possessions are far from everything, but they are also something we should be grateful for because they can be taken from us in the blink of an eye. I worked hard for my car and I am grateful for the ability to pay for her and to drive her whenever I want.
8) My coworkers
I genuinely feel bad for people who don't like the ones they work with. While my job is my job at the end of the day, I am blessed beyond measure to love my coworkers. My walmart family is absolutely a second family. They've seen my bad days, they've seen my good days, they have seen me smile, and they have seen me cry and they always have my back. A coworker gave me the phone number to my psychiatrist. I can't even imagine where I would be had we not had that conversation that day. My manager has talked me through some breakdowns before they turned ugly and will always drop everything if I need to talk. I am so grateful that I am never far from a listening ear when I need one for 40 hours a week.
9) My cat
I have no idea what I would do without Snowball in my life. She gives me a reason to stay alive. I have said before that I can't kill myself because Snowball wouldn't know what she did wrong. If you don't have a pet that might sound silly, but truthfully she has kept me alive sometimes. She knows when I'm sad, she knows when I'm sick, and she is the best cat I've ever had. She always cuddles with my Grandma and honestly I think my grandma needs her more than anything. She's asleep on her as I type this. Not only am I grateful to have my cat, but I am grateful that my grandma has her too.
10) My brain medication
I had a meltdown this morning because I couldn't find a little orange bottle. This little orange bottle is filled with pills that help my brain balance out chemicals that it can't do on it's own yet. I also have little cards from my psychiatrist that have seven days worth of pills that settle my moods and quell some of my background anxiety. I have another little orange bottle for when I'm having a meltdown out of the blue that settles my heart rate and helps me complete the tasks at hand. Without each of these medications I wouldn't be on the path I am today of wellness. I have struggled with being on medication to make me happy, but honestly there is nothing wrong with relying on a medication to live my best life. Just because it is for mental health over physical health doesn't make it any different. It is medicine that I need to live my best life and to thrive as a human being instead of just survive, which was all I was doing before I was put on medication. I'm grateful to have an aid in my journey to wellness.
Part of me thought thinking of ten things to be truly grateful for today would be difficult. Not because I'm not grateful, but because I take a lot of things for granted. I take my pills for granted every morning and night because I hate taking them. One of them makes me sick and another one could give me a seizure. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me because I have to have medication. I take my cat for granted when she's getting on my nerves or keeps me awake at night. Lo and behold, though, the second she escapes outside I worry sick until she comes home. I take my car for granted when I just hop in her and go to work or the store, but there was a time less than a year ago where my options were wait until someone else's car was available, or walk.
I don't think gratitude will fix everything. I am still mentally ill after writing this post. However, taking the time to really be grateful for the things in my life takes my mind off of my depression and anxiety. It takes my mind off of being upset that my grandma's brain is mush. It took my mind off of the fact that I don't want to take a shower. Even though this took just a little while, I already feel better than I did before I wrote this out.
Here's to ending 2017 on a stronger note than I started it on.
